Saturday, October 06, 2001

I've just come back from meeting two of my friends whom I met during an introductory musical theatre course. What an amazing meet! Conversation topics included existense, the various types of consciousness, reincarnation and past lives, the recent celebration of the four archangles (Gabriel, Michael, Rapheal & Auriel), tarot card and aura reading. I didn't contribute much to the conversation as I do not have knowledge on these topics but it was incredible listening to both Karen and Grace talk about it.

All the while the were talking, I was asking myself 'why don't I know about these stuff'. It seems interesting, although I do admit that I'm skeptical about these sort of stuff. You can't imagine the number of times I've debated with my Christian friends when they talked to me about things related to Christianity. It's great that they have a belief system? religious belief? that they believe in. I am often told about the great feeling of peace, acceptance, calm that they (the believers) know that God is there watching over them. I think it must feel great to believe. So, am I missing out on something here? Why can't I get this feeling? Why can't I believe? Why do I have to have something tangible to prove that something as intangible as God exist?

Maybe it's because I wasn't brought up with a particular belief system. Both my parents have different beliefs and the did not pressure their children to conform to one or the other. In fact, they don't really teach us much about their beliefs ... although my mom did start talking more about Buddhism a few years ago. My dad is what we call a non-practising Christian. I just never took to the idea of religion and enlightenment and things like that. Don't know why. There's just so much that I just don't agree with all the religion be it Christianity, Islam or Buddhism (this is more of a teaching than a religion but it is categorised as a religion, no?).

Don't know what else to say about that topic. Can't say I know where I'm going with it.

My mind's gone in all directions and I can't put it down to words. There's this whole lot of things that Karen and Grace said about existence, living and self. The thing is, I feel like I'm just existing; not LIVING my life. Day in, day out, I go to work, come back, do stuff that I always do ... routine. There's no purpose, no target, no passion. There's no sense of anything. I don't have directions. I have no plans for the future. Ask me what I'd where I see myself in 5 years time (seems to be a popular question in interviews), truthfully, I'd say I don't know. Some people know exactly where the want to be heading, what they'd like to be doing ... some sort of direction, no matter how vague. I don't! I really don't know! I don't know what I'm doing with my life. NOT A SINGLE CLUE!!!

I'm troubled. Worried.

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