Wednesday, January 23, 2002

met up with peter last night. i'm not sure if you'd call that a date or not. we had coffee, a bit of chat, a bit of laugh. was that a date? i'm not sure cause i haven't been on too many of them. dates ... that is.

only one comes to mind as a actual date. it was back when i was ... 16? 17? a friend's of my brother asked me out and i thought, "sure! why not! let's give this dating thing a shot." that's the one and only time i went out with that guy though. it's not like we didn't have fun. we did. watched a movie. went to the arcade. just plain hung out. so what's the difference between that and hanging out with friends? i didn't see the difference plus it wasn't like i was into the guy so we never went out again. he's still my brother's friend and we're kinda friends as well, i guess.

then there was this french guy who picked me up from coffee bean. i had just gotten back from melbourne and was job searching. had just hand delivered a resume to a company in town and thought i'd hang for awhile. then i met him. i don't even know why i let him pick me up. he wasn't even cute! turns out he's sort of a horny guy. probably out searching for a cheap lay. only went out with him like twice i think. then it was buh-bye!

right. and in between that, i had this course mate who liked me. i knew he kinda likes me but we're mostly friends really. i don't ever think of him as boyfriend material. this is gonna sound really bad of me but ... he's fat and not even ok looking. okay all you people who wants to bash me for not liking fat ugly people do so now or forever hold your peace .... we'd hang out. go dinners. watch movies. never once did i think those were preludes to a certain something that would happen later ...

we were out in the city (melbourne at that time). don't remember what we did but i think we went to watch the 'wedding singer' ... the one with adam sandler and drew barrymore. then we had a delicious italian dinner. mmm ... yum! then we hopped on the train to head home (we students all live around the same area). it was in the train when he popped the question. NO! not THE. geez! only that he asked me whether i wanted to be his girlfriend. of course i told him no and i don't think of him as a boyfriend and that we're good friends. then he asked, "why? why don't you want to be my girlfriend? don't we have a good time when we hang out? i'm a nice guy aren't i?" i went "yes. yes. yes. but i still don't want you as a boyfriend. i don't feel anything for you but friendship." you'd think he'd leave it at that wouldn't you? but no! he had to insist that i tell him the reason i don't want to be his girlfriend. i was like, "haven't you hear a word i've said? i don't feel anything for you. that's why! plus, i don't really want a boyfriend right now. i'm happy being single."

at this point, i was wishing that i could just walk away from him but the train's moving. even worse, we'd taken an express train and it'll arrive at one station before the one i'm getting off which was his station. wish i could have jumped off or something cause he was making me feel really uncomfortable. i stayed silent till he got off. then i headed towards my friends place which i was staying over at that day. of course i told her what happened and she agreed that he shouldn't have placed me in such a spot. all i could say was "hell yeah!"

ever since that day, i've avoided meeting up with him. oh we wen't out for dinner once last year. i was hoping he'd forget the whole incident but i sort of feel that he still likes me that way cause he asked me whether i was seeing anyone at the moment. why i wasn't. as if my explanation of not wanting a boyfriend is baseless. so, yeah, haven't spoken to him since that dinner. it's kinda sad to loose a good friend you can hang out with due to all this crap!

then there's this guy, simon, whom i met at the choir agm. he's a malaysian working in singapore. when he came back for a few days he asked me if i'd like to have coffee. again i went ... yeah. sure. why not. a bit of chat. a bit of laugh. and then he asked whether i watch movies. i'm thinking, "okay. here we go!" but said "sure i do." thing is he didn't really ask me to go for a movie just whether i do watch movies or not. so i took it, the question, literally in the hopes that he gets the idea and switch topic or something.

so ... that's the extent of my dating life. pathetic isn't it? maybe. but mostly it's cause i don't really feel like having a relationship so why date at all?

people say a lot good things about relationships. about how it helps you grow. enriches you life. makes feel things and all that. even though relationship eventually goes sour at the end, you still learn from it and it makes better person. more experience with life.

probably that's what's missing in my life. i always feel like life is pointless. i'm just going through the motions. i don't matter in the whole picture. nothing would be missed if i should suddenly dissappear. it's like what eponin sang "without me, his life would go on turning" in the song 'on my own' from les miserable. in my case, it would go "without me, the world would go on turning".

i really need life experience. most thing i know i've learned from books and i feel i've been sheltered all my life. i need to experience things.

on that note, i think i'll see how things with peter goes. i might actually give the boyfriend-girlfriend-relationship thing a go. he asked what i was doing this weekend and i said i didn't know. he said he's mail me. but he didn't today. maybe sometime this week he will. maybe our meet didn't go too well. don't know.

and life goes on.

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