Saturday, July 13, 2002

While sending my sister off to the Equatorial earlier tonight, we had a long chat. To her it would probably have sounded more like a lecture but I was just telling her what the parental unit's fretting about.

Basically the whole conversation was about me asking her what she's planning to do, what she's up to. She's quit school and she didn't even complete a semester (I thought she had!). She says that she has approached a sportwriter for help in securing scholarships from Ivy league schools. I told her that it's kinda difficult to get scholarships from such schools as I've read on Princeton's (I think) site that they do not give out scholarships, especially sports scholarships. Then I hounded her on whether she's looking for any scholarships on her own and not just relying on the writer. I couldn't get a straight answer from her.

Conclusion was that she doesn't really know what she wants to do except that she'd like something that involves the study of the body - biology. According to her, she couldn't find any information about science courses, which is surprising cause that's usually the courses that I see when I surf University sites. I don't know what site she's been looking at.

I advised her to take a basic science based pre-university program so that at least moms and pops won't get on her case so much. She mooted the idea saying that she can't concentrate on studies if she doesn't know what she's studying for towards the end. Told her that the sort of pre-university programs that I've suggested doesn't really require her to have an exact field of study but she said that not how she works. *shrugs*

She also went on about how the family doesn't support her squash and her school achievements. It's true, my family's not big on compliments. But she knows this and I know this. All the sibs knows this so why does she have to be so sensitive about i? If they don't gush about your achievement, why get so dissappointed if the react as they always do? So, I told her not to get so worked up if they don't go ohh-ahh. I should know, after almost 25 years, I've had my share of non-compliments. All my ballet honours, my As in art have been for nought cause those are just not what they consider important. Not what will support you in your adult life. Not practical.

I told her that sometimes, you have to sacrifice things that you like to do (things that won't kill you if you don't do it) for things that your parents think you should do (that won't kill you either and that you don't really mind too much). Basically be practical. That's what I have done. If this had been an idea world, I'd have been a dancer and an artist. Since it isn't, I've given up art (something I found I don't mind just doing for fun) after Form 3 to take do the science stre am for the rest of secondary school and continued on to do computers in uni. Dance, I had a 6 years hiatus (due to financial dependence) until I couldn't stand it any longer and just had to take up some kind of dance form or I'd go mad. Latin isn't my first choice, I'd have rather gone back to ballet but cause my mom didn't like the idea, I didn't do it. Didn't want the cold war that might happen if I'd gone against her wishes. My sister says she couldn't do what I did. She can't just give up squash for she might regret it later if she had.

So, this made me think about what I have given up and whether I do regret giving up those things that I loved. I DO! I regret it a lot. What could I have done? I didn't have money to continue with classes. I was 15. Nobody hires 15 year olds. I had to give ballet up! As for art. How was I to study that if my parents won't pay for it? Malaysia does not have a scheme where you can just go to university almost free and then repay it after you've graduated and got a job. She has the luxury to continue squash cause she gets paid to play.


This makes me feel ... I don't know ... like I'm conforming a lot a lot. Just doing what my parents tells me to do - almost. Sometimes I do resent my parents for not allowing my to do what I really want. But I've never told them that. I'm thinking that I have to take responsibility for it as well. I mean if I didn't want to do as they asked, they probably wouldn't have disowned me or thrown me out or anything like that. If I had taken a stand and really insisted that I really trully want to do it, the might eventually relent. I think I just did as they asked cause I could throw it back at them if I really hate what I do eventually and blame them.


I would really like to, just once, do something life changing that they might oppose but I'd do it anyway. I might fail or I might succeed but at least I know it was all me. I made the decision. ALL ME.

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