Thursday, May 02, 2002

Possible Breakdown

Near miss on Tuesday; almost knocked down a motorcyclist when he was coming out of a junction. This happened when I was on my way home, just a few more meters away from my house. I stand firm that this incident is in no way my fault. I had the right of way. It was clearly my road. I was going straight. He was coming out of a junction. He didn't seem to be watching where he was going, seemed to be staring up the hill on his left. He didn't even pause at the junction!

Fortunately for him, I saw him nearing the junction. I was going 30km/per. I managed to break in time. I saw him put up his hand in apology. Had he not done this, I might have wound down my window and screamed and yelled at him like a fisherman's wife (no offence to all the fisherman's spouses, tis just a common phrase I've seen used).

Labour Day today is depressing.

Met up with Shawn for lunch. Haven't seen him for quite awhile now. Last time I talked to him, he was working in Singapore. He's back for good now. New job. Now here's the depressing part, at least for me. They are going to pay him RM5500 a month! That's almost double my salary. I've worked almost the same amount of years and I'm earning chicken feed. Is the pay for a Software Developer and a consultant so vastly different?

Plus, I just realised that I'm close to having a breakdown with regards to my work. I don't know what I'm doing, I have to develop a product, I have to lead a project as well as design and code the bloody thing and I find that I don't have time to do all this at the same time and keep up my schedule of dancing and singing.

I'm not, however, prepared to give up those leisure activities cause if I do, I think I'd go mad. I know me and if I don't do those, I'd just be sitting in front of the telly and not doing any work anyway.

I need to focus more on work I think. Put more importance on what I have to do and not just doing it for the pay. Need more passion for work.

Therein lies the problem. I just can't seem to feel passionate for it.

P&P said that I should take time to think about what I want to do. Do you want to continue in the computing line? Do you have something else you'd rather be doing? Do you have any idea what I want to do? Should you pursue your interested in dance & song?

I don't know. Nothing that I know of at this moment. No. No cause I know that I'm not extremely talented in those and those things just can't support my lifestyle.

What do I want? If I quit the computing line, I can't think of anything else that I am capable of doing.

First step - Tomorrow (or in a few hours time), I plan to lock myself in the meeting room and think up the design for the project. I hope that this will at least map out what there is to do for the project so that I can distribute parts of the development to the others. Maybe after that, I won't feel like it's such a big thing.

Then, I can see if I can make time to extend the email module that TL's been pestering me about. If I feel that I can't, I will just have to tell him that I can't at the moment but if he needs it, he can always look into Java Mail and do it himself. I wrote the bloody module a year ago so I'd probably have to relook the Java Mail APIs again anyway.

Hope this works. My plans never seem to work. Most probably cause I tend to postpone anything serious and unpleasant eg. actual work.

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